A Void

He that is void of wisdom despiseth his neighbor: but a man of understanding holdeth his peace.
Proverbs 12:11

Sometimes I feel a great emptiness, a vast gaping in my whole being. As if I were empty. I am not saying that I feel lonely, sad, or anything else. Just that I feel an emptiness. I work, I have a roof over my head. I pay my bills, and I live my life. I have activities that I love, yet I feel like I’m living and alive.

I have changed many of my habits. My days are peaceful, and yet I feel empty. I don’t have any suicidal thoughts or anything like that. Yet, despite all that, I can’t understand why the Lord has blessed me.

It’s not by practicing sports or going to various associations that I feel better. I believed in it for a while, but when I go back home by car or by public transport, I realize that it allowed me to feel useful, yes then what do I miss? Why do I have this feeling of emptiness, of lack?

Deep inside, my dearest desire is to have my own family! A simple willingness, you may say, but it seems that maybe God has other plans for me. I have given up on all that has happened in my life as if life was punishing me. As if life, God himself did not want this for me. I get all other things, professional achievement material, but it is not what I want.

Everyone who has been around me thinks I’m ridiculous. I don’t care about being rich, recognized, chasing fame and money. I want to have my own family. Is that ridiculous? To want to be happy, to love and be loved in return. I can’t find it.

At almost 40 years old, I despair of realizing this dream. I only meet people who don’t want the same things as me. I’ve been single for I don’t know how long; I’ve stopped counting. I’m not interested in casual or material relationships. They want you regarding your wealth, your profession, or whatever.

I don’t get involved with people based on what they have, what I could get out of them, what they could bring me. Besides, they didn’t bring me anything tangible, solid, constructive in life apart from life lessons.

Today I have decided that my family starts with me and not wait to create it with anyone else. Thank you for all these lessons that have led me forced me to look at the truth in the face.

I seem to have always known that I only need myself to achieve my dreams and goals here on earth. And that’s what I’m going to do.


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